Would you say that the machine was CRaZY???!!! – DIANETICS Informational DVD
Chastity Keck was raised in the purity of the only true Truth: the Church of the Latter Day Saints as the realization of the gift granted to Joseph Smith directly by the angel Gabriel. Of her 24 sisters, each of whom has been named for the cardinal virtues by her father and mothers, Chastity was the most committed in heart and mind to propounding the doctrines of the LDS Church, so much so that she did not marry but took instead a vow of celibacy, achieving Christian holiness by singing modestly melodic hymns in the soft palette of white and pastel of one of Salt Lake City’s churches and contributing 75% of her income to the Bank of the Latter-Day Saints. Chastity’s favorite hobbies include spreading the word of the one true Church, gardening, baking casseroles, floral print dresses, youth Outreach, and guarding against impure thoughts.
Chastity gives a sermon while Paul plays “Lead Me Not Flesh”. Paul finds himself slightly off tempo, however, as the subtle throbbing of Indian trap music pulses up through the floor, vibrating the piano legs at their resonance frequency. He pauses and looks around, yet the sound seems to be coming from nowhere but the ground. Paul ignores the synthesizer warped sitar music and orgiastic thumping bass by playing a bit louder on the piano.
As Chastity was instructing the girls in how God tells wives not to be jealous of other wives, she too, like Paul, was briefly distracted by an unwelcome dissonance. A true elected woman of Christ, Chastity ignored the unsettling with an endless beaming smile.
The light fell gently through the colorless window against the pearly blandness of unidolatrous worship as the teenage couple approached Chastity whose celibate life gave her plenty of time to study and instruct the young on marriage. A burst of glossolalic crypto-techno as of aliens performing a hermetic ritual in an opium den suddenly erupted through the floor and then immediately fell into silence. The girl was briefly tempted to ask if anyone had heard something, but she held her tongue lest she be seen as one to deter from the serious concentration in worship that everyone else around her displayed. Other than the slight distractions of noise from nowhere, the club gathering has been successful, as indicated by the many club points Paul accumulated by playing the organ in accordance with approved club activities (see below). Glowies emanated from his body.
After Chastity contributed to club points as well by her presence at the pulpit, she then proceeded to another nearby Church to pray.
No pipe organ to overpower it, the techno beats from below only appear more palpably evident when Chastity is engaged in silent prayer against the impurities of Salt Lake City evident in the rise in yoga studios and vegan restaurants. By sheer chance, Chastity recognizes the sounds that penetrate through the solid stone as that Ethnic music she heard inadvertently while walking past a thrift store that was selling ayahuasca medallion jewelry and yoga midi-tops in the window while on her way to the LDS Conference. Unbeknownst to her, a conference of similar appearing acronym, but different meaning, was taking place beneath–the LSD conference.
Yes, an elaborate structure of unknown origin lies beneath the church. How and when someone or something managed to tunnel beneath the temple of the Lord to construct a neon strobe litten psychadelic utopia remains a mystery deeper than any of Strangerville. How the denizens of the acid den could also have known as they carved below ground that they were forming the shape of a heart, remains an inexplicable mystery. Meanwhile,
The strange ambiance of a purple strobe light flashes up through a crack in the floor, giving Chastity pause.
So disoriented by the sound, Chastity accidentally steps onto the altar. Knowing that she is responsible for violating the altar with female presence, Chastity immediately pays penance by donating $2500 in charity.
Assuredly, the funds will go to maintaining the infrastructure of God’s house or to one of the many charity divisions. As Chastity busies herself with providing for God’s work on earth, she hears a shuffle on the surface where she has just lit her candle in hopes of securing a real estate payment. Chastity, thinking the church is empty, hurries over.
Two stragglers, believing themselves to be following a purple-striped Derpahorn into the 11th astral plane to complete the Lingastakam Tryst on the Bed of the Cosmic Lotus, have accidentally strayed from the LSD conference up into Chastity’s sanctuary! Her scream temporarily orients the Gnomes enough for them to make a mad dash back to the Gnome Dome!
As every Sims player knows, gnomes move at .78 the speed of light, giving the regular human eye the sense that gnomes remain static, since they can only be seen when remaining stationary. Thus, gnomes appear to travel in instantaneous quantum leaps. Chastity is baffled by the gnome, which flies past her. She is alerted only when the garden gate slams. She continues the pursuit into the garden!
“Gosh darn it!” screams Chastity as the fleeting glimpse of a red cone hat and blue trousers flits in the periphery of her eye, only to seemingly vanish behind a great willow. Luckily, it is winter, otherwise the wide spread of the tree’s leaves would not have permitted even this hint. Having finally given up the hunt, Chastity pays her respects to the dead, unaware of the unorthodox nature of the garden gnomes statues behind her that stand in conspicuous attention on either side of the base of the willow.
A shadow steals behind her!
Since it is nearing 9:30, Chastity must leave home, lest her virtue be questioned. Once gone, the gnomes make their way back to the lair, which lies beneath a rose bush guarded by the garden gnomes Weeny and Peeny.
What shall we find as we follow the gnomes?
A neon purple arrow guides our way, despite the fact that we are in a unidirectional tunnel.
The door at the end of the hall promises to lead to astral knowledge since it not only glows in bright teal but is decorated with floral carvings and boasts a welcome mat of a crescent moon and stars. It opens and reveals…
What exactly lies inside the GNOME DOME OF OPIOME? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT.